


Overkill

by nomercyhere



Series: 'Stories and Songs From His Era' Collection [2]
Category: Full House (US)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Jesse Is Upset, Late Night Bike Ride, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24941341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomercyhere/pseuds/nomercyhere
Summary: Jesse has always had a hard time falling asleep. The best way to decompress, he’s found out, is a midnight bike ride.But this night, a sudden realization of something hits him in the face that he'll never be able to forget.--Based on the song 'Overkill' by Men at Work.
Relationships: Becky Donaldson Katsopolis/Jesse Katsopolis, Jesse Katsopolis & Pam Katsopolis-Tanner
Series: 'Stories and Songs From His Era' Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1804927
Kudos: 8





	Overkill

Jesse had never really had an easy time falling asleep.

Sure, sometimes he’d just be so stressed out, and so overwhelmed, that sleep was more than welcome. Those were times when he’d just crash on the couch in the middle of the day, and even Steph and DJ’s seemingly constant fighting and slamming of doors couldn’t wake him. But lately those times had been few and far between.

The twins were doing great, Becky was wonderful as usual, and now that he had the Smash Club securely in place, he didn’t have any stressors coming in from work on the financial side of things. He really shouldn’t have had any problem going to bed. It didn’t make any sense as he tried to sort it out in his mind.

There really wasn’t any trigger at all. Nothing was there, nothing had happened. So when he woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, unable to breathe with the image of Pam fresh in his mind as clear as the day it’d happened, it really shook him. More than it ever had before.

Normally in scenarios like this, he could just hop on his bike and get it out of his mind. But not tonight. He’d been driving for close to an hour now, it must’ve been around three o’clock at night, but he still just couldn’t shake it. Couldn’t shake her.

And he wasn’t too sure that he wanted to.

A part of him knew that he’d never fully accepted Pam’s death. He’d pushed it undercover, kept it out of the light. He’d need to embrace it if he ever wanted to be able to move on.

Speeding down the darkened back roads, his mouth dry and his eyes wet, the trees flashing by moved slower than pictures in his brain, going by at lighting speed, recapping his time with her. Time spent. Time lost. What was. What could’ve been.

He wondered about the little things, like if she would’ve liked the names they’d picked for the twins. If she would’ve liked his new band. If she would’ve dyed her hair as it got greyer. He laughed at the last one, remembering that knowing Pam and his similar hair feelings, the moment any gray was spotted, her entire head would be doused in blonde dye.

He wondered about the big things, like if they ever would’ve actually gotten back to being as close as they were before. If he still would’ve been as tight with DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle if it weren’t for what happened.

And then the realization dawned on him, so fast and so heavily, that he had to swerve to a stop in the middle of the empty road to avoid falling off his bike. He yanked off his helmet, dropping it to the ground as his struggle to breathe returned.

Because he had just realized, that almost everything he had gained in his current stage of life, had been because of what Pam had lost.

He never would’ve moved in with Danny if not for Pam. Never would’ve connected with the girls. Never would’ve connected with Joey, his best friend. Met Becky, the love of his life. Gotten married. Had children. Started a business.

Every thing, almost every single last little minuet detail of the past seven years, had been directly tied into what happened to Pam.

If not for what had happened, he wouldn’t be living the life he was living today.

He stumbled backwards away from his bike until he was sitting on the pavement, dumbstruck by the new realization of something that he now could see had been dangling in front of his face, taunting him for years and years.

Should he feel guilty? Was he benefiting from her tragedy? Or was this just how things went, the morbid but realistic minor or major turn of events that dictate your every next move? Was this just the way of life, the game that throws you around like a shirt in the washer?

He really didn’t know.

Part of his brain told him that nothing was his responsibility, that he should have the right to be happy. That it was just how things went, it didn’t mean in any way that he was having a better life because Pam was having none at all.

And part of his brain told him that it was all bad, selfish and terrible. What kind of brother restructures their gains, every positive factor in their life because of their sister’s death, what kind of brother makes money, falls in love, benefits seemingly endlessly because of a tragedy so large, so extraordinary, was despicable in every meaning of the word.

He knew deep down that he wasn’t exploiting her. How could he have been, when the realization of the situation had only dawned on him now?

“I don’t know, I don’t even know, Pammy.” Jesse muttered into his hands. “What am I supposed to do with this, huh? What am supposed to do with you? You aren’t even here anymore, and yet you’re _still_ finding ways to boss me around.” He let out a little smile. “Maybe it’s not too bad having you control me after all.”

He stood up gingerly, brushing the road dust off his pants. “What ’m I supposed to do here. I can’t exactly reverse everything that’s happened, but I can’t go throwing my whole life away either…” He trailed off, speaking against the biting cold night air. “Maybe this is just how it’s supposed to be. It isn’t a benefit, it’s just a side affect. Just like all the freaking meltdowns you gave me at the beginning weren’t benefits either.” He said with a little laugh, kicking at the dirt on the way back to his bike.

“I know regardless of how this happened it’s where you’d want me to be.” He scooped up his helmet from the ground, strapping it on. “I mean, I’m close with your kids, with your spouse, I even got my own kids and spouse now, I’m living my life, Pam. I’m really doing great.”

Starting up the long drive down the route back to his house, Jesse felt the feeling of fear drain out of him, slowly being refilled by something he couldn’t quite name. But he was pretty sure the correct word was peace.

Parking his bike in the backyard with the backdrop of a San Francisco sunrise, he decided that maybe he would have to go for late night rides more often.


End file.
